The Mirror

If I had a genie...if I only had a genie to grant me a few wishes. Why does it have to be a mythological thing? Why can't I actually wish to see something, and have it happen?

When I was younger I used to daydream about all the wonderful worldly goods I could get. And, of course if there were only 3 wishes, the last one was to have unlimited wishes.

Now, tonight, as I was about to get in the shower, I looked in the mirror. Nothing out of the ordinary. Sometimes it's a quick glance because I don't want to see what is reflected. Sometimes I stare at my nakedness, in this adult body, and wonder why it looks the way it does. I think back to my youth, when I was much thinner, and attracted so many guys - I always had a date. Always.

I'll stare at my face, look at all the freckles. Smile. Pose. Fix my hair - pull it back, push it up, muss it up. Make faces. Blow kisses. Pout. Pose some more. Walk away wishing I was beautiful.

Other times I look into my eyes, wishing I could see into my soul, and see what other people see in me. I know that beauty is supposed to come from the inside, but why do I judge myself so harshly? This outer shell is "fluffy". It's my protection I've learned through therapy. It's a way to hide myself from others so that I don't get attention. But, I'm loosing the weight!! It's coming off!! People are noticing and making comments!! Oh no - here it comes - the attention.

Now what? Being considered attractive is so difficult to handle. What good seems to come from it? All I've seem to find is jealousy from other females, men that only want to have sex, and the lonely feeling I'm left with when people I thought were my friends walk out of my life because they consider me a threat.

Me? A threat? Sitting here thinking - maybe I would feel threatened, too. I have a great personality, great sense of humor, am intelligent, can hold a conversation, am creative, talented, strong willed, family oriented, and have been told too many times to count that I have a beautiful spirit. None of these things are physical. So maybe I really am a total package.

I've got to believe in me. I want to see what other people see when they look at me. I want to be able to say, "There goes a beautiful woman. She's got it all going for her." I can't wait for the day to come when I feel confident enough to believe it.

That damn mirror...where's my genie?